allison jenna

2012 got worse.

We had to put down my 12 year old lab/Rottweiler dog Satch on the 13th. I called out of work, through tears, and raced up to Mount Vernon to be with him one last time as he was euthanized. He was my baby, slept in my bed as a puppy and I loved him. There will never be another sweet boy like him.

Then Sunday my mom called me to tell me my grandma was in a coma… She’s out of it now and doing better but we don’t know what will happen from here. She’s been in and out of the hospital lately. I’m hoping it’s not a continuing decline in the state of her health.

Also, as of February 1st, I will be living with my mom again in Mount Vernon for however long it takes to get my ducks in a row. After that… Either back to Seattle or to LA or who knows? I’m not happy about moving to a place where I have no friends, live near nothing, and may not have a job (AMC is going to try to transfer me, but they may not need anyone at the one up there). Egh.

So, so far 2012 is giving 2011 a run for its money stresswise, but things can only look up from here, surely?

After all, Refused is going to play some shows again. That makes it all seem worth it.

I ended 2011 by going to the hospital, getting my heart broken, and not having a single day off to process either of these things.

2012 holds promise, though. This will be a year full of books, hopefully my own as well as others. This year I will work on a career and not just a job. This year I will try to save money so I can finally see Central America.

This year I will stop being so naive when it comes to the way people treat me, and in turn I will be more aware of how I treat them.

And mostly, I will stop using stress as a reason to not take action. No matter how much I just want to lay in bed with a book, I need to force myself to get up and do something, anything. Bleh.

I want, more than anything, something to feel good about.

Is it bad that a trip to the hospital to get seven staples in my head was the least of all the bad things that happened this week?

It seems like I am surrounded by people who look down on me. Work, love, friendship. It’s been a week full of feeling small. Maybe I deserve it, but what does it all achieve?

My head hurts. My heart hurts. But mostly my arm hurts… Damn tetanus shots.