allison jenna

I dreamt that I ran into you at a social event. This isn’t the first time I’ve had this sort of dream, but every other time ends with me waking up in tears and my heart beating a million miles a minute. In the prior dreams, you reacted to me the way I assume you will when I do inevitably see you. You were cruel, angry, upset.

Last night’s dream was different. It was a lucid dream. You didn’t act the way I expected, after the numerous nightmares I’ve been saddled with in the wake of last summer. 

We were at a concert in a venue surrounded by ruins — perhaps a metaphor for our destroyed friendship. You waited outside for me and the sun beat down on our shoulders the same way it had during so many of our adventures of the past. You smiled at me and I said, “It’s really nice to see you.” And it was.

We walked the path surrounded by dilapidated buildings, overgrown with vines and gleaming like starched bones in the sunshine, and spoke like fond acquaintances. I asked about who you were dating and quickly followed up with “Oh, I guess I knew that.” Mutual friends passed by and we smiled, waved, but did not pause to greet them. 

We stopped beside a chain-link fence and gazed up at a pair of walls that once was part of a functioning structure, though now it was just the skeleton of it’s former glory. I said, feeling the tension of regret sitting heavy in my chest, “We never even had a chance to explore this.”

And then it was over. I woke up and lost that moment, the reality flooding and washing away the feeling of peace that had overcome me as I dreamed of you. I remembered then your hatred and scathing words; my ongoing battle not to show you how you have affected me and how I resisted giving you the reaction you’d grown to expect from me. It’s hard to act like I don’t care, that I haven’t cared. Sometimes I feel like the horrible person you think me to be, and sometimes that makes me incredibly sad. It was hard for me to accept that it didn’t matter, that it doesn’t change anything and that I am not doomed to ruin every chance I am given in life. 

The truth is, I still love you and care about you deeply. I still send positive thoughts your way and give you the upperhand when I have to explain why we don’t speak anymore to a mutual acquaintance. I still concede that I was wrong and that you have every right to feel the way you do about me, whether or not I really understand it. I dream of you and your family, especially your sister, more than I dream about anything else. I still wish every day that I was still important to you, because when I stop to think about my future it is very hard not to imagine you in it. I always had this image of you being by my side when I someday get married, or being the goofy fun aunt to my potential future children, or taking you with me on adventures across the world, or just sharing every stupid detail of my life until that life expired. I always thought I would be that person for you, too. I am truly sorry for the things I have done that led me to where I am today, struggling to find any reason for my existence. I will never regret having you in my life for the time that I did. If you ever see this, I hope you understand that, at least.